Results back from VASE. Mine, of course, did not make it to state. Not surprising. Sarah Jung's and a lot of other really good ones didn't make it either. Rather shocking. The ones that did make it were either just pretty good, okay, or in some cases shit. I'm pissed. Only two of the digital graphics pictures I remembered made it, Racheal Cummingham's self-portrait from last year- her other entry was better, and some other thing that was an exact copy of a picture printed straight off the internet. Wtf. Where's the "creative process" bullshit in that? Copying someone else's picture is lame and it's cheating. The piece didn't even look good, at least not in comparison to most of the other ones I saw, and especially not in comparison to Sarah Jung's. Are all art judges retarded? Yes.

Joy for Zara's defiance of parental authority in favor of her own happiness. Hope it goes well.

Another boy essentially called me a whore again today. Actually, it was just that he assumed I was "really experienced" from completely impersonal conversations not related to that topic we had sometimes during lunch on Thursdays last year. He was surprised today when he asked if I was a virgin and I said yes. Like, totally omfg. Especially since this guy is generally very nice and more perverted than I am. Even as he said it, it was almost not completely insulting, and I laughed. Is it because I don't screech and cover my ears at the mention of the word penis like some girls, or do I just exude "whore"?  Great. Find me a goddammed convent.

Hmmm....english paper.

current mood: annoyed, perhaps

My new health class is filled with disappointing people, I hate them all. The teacher especially, who went to A&M and managed a 0.9 GPA there the first semester. She has a voice louder than my mother's, and talks about food a lot.

die die die.

I miss my psychology class.

Sometime recently, my perspective on society in general changed dramatically. I'd like to be away from people entirely, though. Since I can't really do that, sleep is a good alternative. When I sleep it's either a comforting blankness or a dream, and I always have fucking fantastic dreams. I wish I could draw them.

I want to find a boy who doesn't make me feel ill every time I talk to him. Ideally, this boy would enjoy wearing ties, be amazingly talented, witty, intellegent, brave, capable of a wide range of emotions, ability to adopt a perfectly cultured southern drawl in a moment of urgency, functioning penis, unintimidating, uninhibited, philosophical, open, a person who lies, but with honesty, sarcastic, not sappy, anti-public affection, affectionate, calm, not so stuck up that he can't even laugh properly, enjoys shopping?, reasonable, girly-ish, ever so slightly gothic, ever so slightly poetic, masochistic, not mean, asian, if possible, and most importantly, he would look good in a bowler hat. That's not overly picky, right? Really, the only absolutely important things are in bold. I am completely willing to overlook the penis part if there is anybody else interested. See if you can guess which parts of this paragraph apply to/result from my parking buddy. I promise a treat to anybody who makes even the slightest effort.

shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit- only a few more hours left before we go back and I feel totallly deathly ill. Kind of like not being able to breathe properly, needing to vomit a lot but not managing it, and everything being most unpleasant. Oh god, Finley.

This makes me think back to the New Years Eve party I went to Friday where I didn't really know anybody, had to watch Meet The Parents (seriously, what the hell is so funny about repetions of the name "Focker" every few minutes? I kept turning my head away from the screen and resisting the urge to hide my head in hands because that movie is so painful to watch- am sooooo not seeing Meet The Fockers), and endured a stunted, uncomfortable conversation with Alyssa Sharp via the phone. Throughout this, I felt mildly ill for no apparent reason, but I ignored it. Later, they started playing loud counrty music, and I knew I was sick. So when Meenu needed to leave, I decided to drive her home and not come back. I told the hostess thank you and stuff so I wasn't rude, but I don't think the rest of them cared if I left or not. Although I do think Erik/ca Churin seems pretty cool; I could like her very much.

After I got home the constant pain somewhere in my stomach/bowel/uterus area went away pretty quickly. Makes me wonder if my body is really that sympathetic with my mind or if it was an angry, repressed attack of gas (but I didn't fart, nor did I feel the urge to). Early cramps? I did not imagine the pain. Weird. Stupid. Oh, and the best part is that I can't remember my locker combination. shit

current mood: gloomy

Went to Zara's house, spent the night there Wednesday, and I am so jealous. She's only 15 minutes away from everywhere in Houston, and Memorial itself is pretty cool, too. We did some really minor shopping, wherein I purchased Edward Gorey's Amphigorey Also with the gift card Zara gave me at Disney World in fucking March. Took pictures of her house this time, lots of them. The house was supposed to be done by now, but it's not much farther along than it was in August and the new completion date is sometime in June. Technically, she could have stayed in Kingwood for another year. Lame. Lots of talking, excessive amounts, in fact. We had an excellent shouting match in the car about my blatant hypocrisy. I maintain that I won. Am worried I might be a fag hag? Next time, we will go bowling.

Zara's dad seemed surprised we weren't staying for more than one night, but I had work on Thursday and having 2 extra people in an apartment gets kind of crowded. He invited us to stay for a more extended period of time once their house is done. Seems like a mini-vacation.

At work, only 7 freaking kids came. For a while during the last hour and a half in which absolutely no one came, I helped the instructor come up with words that begin with K. I don't think that she, a former kindergarten teacher, liked my "kill" suggestion very much.

Going to a New Year's Eve Party with Meenu (thank you) tonight. Except that she has to be home by 11:30, so WTF? Eh, better than spending the whole night with a bunch of band kids I don't really know. Happy New Year, everyone, except for Mr. Countryman. Maybe he'll die of alcohol poisoning tonight while masturbating into an empty beer bottle. Happy New Year, indeed.

current mood: amused

To put it crudely, and in a most inappropriate, vulgar manner, christmas was...lucrative. Phrasing it that way makes me think "eww"- kind of like the movie I just watched, Dogville. My parents spent too much. I am however, enamored with my lovely 120 color set of prismas, with which I spent 25 minutes comparing and rearranging the colors. There's other stuff, of course, but if you gave a damn, you'd ask me.

I have spent the last couple of days working on an art project I hated the second I started it, and the last several days before that improving my mind with extensive shopping. Brainless, but fun. Have decided to try wearing stockings for the winter. Something I've been trying to convince myself of for the past month suddenly became much clearer whilst watching Dogville. Not that it's such a great movie, but it helped me define what my problem has been. Someone's been tampering with my perception of human nature, too, and that never helps. I find my whoremoanal drive is fading. This is very good. I hope.

A happy thought: This boy who sat infront of me in Psychology last semester, Chris Heath, was saying something about wanting a relationship based entirely on sex. An admirable pursuit I'm sure, but being so blunt about it is much too unseemly- very few girls at this age would risk responding to such an invitation (not even me). I would suggest that he convince some stupid girl that she is in love with him. He'll get much farther that way. Hahahaha.

Wheee.... I've actually been busy recently. Mostly just going places with Meenu, but that was fun. 

Niemi finally gave back Fear of Flying, which I lent him sometime in April and I'm remembering how much I am connected to that book. I belive it to contain the origin of my asian fetish- speaking of which, this morning I saw some asian guy at Kingwood wearing a tie, What joy! And even better, he had a pretty corduroy jacket on, too. I followed him for a bit, but only until I reached my destination, and then reluctantly went to take the Physics final. Mayhap I will see/recognise him again next year. 

I also found this beautiful book in Rice Village titled The Pleasures of Philosophy. It's a compliation of essay-type things by various philosophers, and seems quite promising. The first essay proves that Christianity is suck.

One final thing- the Culture Shapers contest sent me an envelope with comments from the judges on the piece I sent in. Three out of four of them are really great reviews, but the last asshole only gave me an "excellent" rating on one of the graded sections and the rest he put as fucking "average". To make it even better, he didn't even bother to comment at the bottom to explain why he thinks I suck so much (which he is supposed to do). What's the point in giving me back the comments if there aren't any? I wish him intense physical pain for the rest of his life, especially when he pees.

I will be pretending to be a good person tomorrow by volunteering at HAAM for a while. I wonder why I bother, I'm going to Hell anyway.

current mood: better

This week is stupid, it should be removed from existence.

I asked my art teacher if an old photograph of a cow and my sister would be appropriate for rodeo art, but she told me that it wasn't "texan" enough. So I looked at the other pictures available for rodeo art drawings and decided that I hate horses and I'm going to draw the picture I have and not enter. Witherspoon said we don't have to draw things for the contest, but I think she's pissed at me anyway. Oops.

My english class is amazingly fun to listen to, not participate in.

I'm getting sick.

I don't know if I've slept the past two nights or not.

My secret santa gave me a ridiculously large penis-sized candy cane.

I drew a limp rabbit hanging from my name on the pyschology wall today. I love that class. Niemi and I did a small partner assignment that I promptly lost and then did over again a week after it was due. Herbst gave it back to us today with a 100 on it. Take that, Jesus.

Am considering which art class to take next year very carefully. If sculpture didn't look so stupid, I might take that. As it is, I have the joyous option of drawing 3, painting 3, or two possible AP art classes next year. Satan scores again.

It seems like a lot of stuff has happened this week that doesn't really matter, but seemed important when it happened. But I went to the band Christmas concert on Friday, which was nice. Possibly because I only went to hear the two best bands and only stayed for Symphonic. What the hell with the masses of stupid people coming in 20 minutes late for a half hour concert? After Symphonic played, Meenu and I hung out at starbucks for a while, where we saw 2 sets of band couples and Aly Stanley. Aly Stanley apparently knows "a lot of inherently evil people", or at least she did on Wednesday when she said so. Perhaps they numbered in the group she was there with? I hope so. After drinking about half of the worst hot chocolate anybody has ever bothered to shit in, I had to go home, so we left. Then, sleep.

I think I'm looking for a new hobby. Aim and being online so much has kind of lost its appeal and something must be done. My dad has a welder that I think I might put to use. Or at least try.  

current mood: inherently evil

I really want to see the Edward Penis-hands porno movie.

The problem is how I would go about doing this without involving unnecessary external variables that would lead to embarassment. Ah, a thought.

Elizabeth, dearest sister who loves me sooo much, would there be any chance of Edward Penis-hands being found and downloaded from that mightily convenient DC++ UT program that allows you access to free media? Don't be embarrassed, you've already downloaded lots of shitty stuff (which I enjoyed, by the way). You can't have any more shame left. Plus, you're in college, you'll never get to the health center if you don't start somewhere. Help your little sister.

http://www.dresdendolls.com/

current mood: looking forward to it

Back from Austin now. It was good and I saw a shit load of movies while waiting for my sister to finish her classes. She can download them free from some UT network, so I watched movies I always secretly wanted to see but would never pay for. By the way, Lion King 1 1/2 is much better than you would assume. Except the beginning and ending, those can die. The first night I got there my sister's roommate and friends came over and we watched Pride and Prejudice with an abudance of lesbian jokes. Later, a bunch of guys came by, including Victor Ho I think, but I can't really remember that because it was late and I feel asleep. More stuff happened in between that you don't need to know about. And now home. I finished Billy Budd but still have Killer Angels and The Night Thoreau Spent in Jail to read, plus my picture for art. Damn, yet I have no intention of working very hard to complete any of it. Would rather go do something with people- anybody up for it?

current mood: horny (just kidding)

This week sucks less than last week so far. Rapture. Unfortunately, Niemi's still intentionally trying to make me cry, I keep not sleeping/sleeping too much, and I still hate the human race.

I dyed my hair on an impulse today. Actually, I thought about it on Friday and waited to get an appointment, but it's still a technical impulse. It's darker now, but not blackish or even that noticable, except for these really small blondish things the hairdresser put in while I wasn't paying attention. When it frizzes, under the light the frizzies turn red. Think I like it. Also the only time I've gotten to sit under one of those big hair dryer things that surround your entire head, like what you see in media from the fifties.

This week I found out Corey reads my livejournal. Hi Corey.

Jennifer's birthday is on Monday, but (unhappy face) I'm going to miss it. Therefore, Happy 17th Birthday Jennifer, now. I will get you a present, a real one. And eventually I'll get Niemi's too (oops).

Zara, did you mean that you'll be here this Friday or next Friday? I don't understand.

Hmm. Have been staring at my hair and noticed that at the bottom it's all a uniform dark color. Undyed, it has multiple shades of brown running from nearly black to blondish all in one lock of hair. This feels weird.

I have done at least part of what I wanted to already this weekend. Not enough, because I keep falling asleep and because my mother is dumb. Maybe trying to stay up late would work better if I started drinking caffeine, but then again, no. There has to be a better way.

Took reference photo things with niemi saturday afternoon. When I asked him about it on Friday, I guess he didn't understand what I meant and then got pissed when he got there yesterday and figured it out. I let him take pictures of me in compensation, which was shitty because there are more pictures of me on my camera than of him (because he stole my camera).

Went to some old clothing store in the heights after that. It was fun, lots of weird, costume-like clothes. Has filled me with a desire to get a "God Listens" t-shirt from the christian radio station. Oh, and I found a actual corset, 2 of them, in fact. But I didn't get one because, well, what the fuck do you do with a corset?

On the way back to the car, we walked through a used furniture store. They had a small stack of 10 year old Playboys sitting on a stood, of which I of course promptly picked up the top one and started flipping through the pages. I didn't see anything bad, but only because most of the pages were stuck together. Like, 20-30 pages at a time stuck together. And then I put the magazine down. Ew.

Marching season is officially over. I expect to eventually start seeing Meenu in a social context, possibly even have a conversation between us. If she reads this, and needs further Inducement, then she can ask me what The Inducement is.

No homework tonight. First time this has happened all year.

God, so many things I want to do this weekend. Like,

-Go shopping downtown

-Take a really long walk

-Watch this supposedly psychotic japanese horror film, Audition, somebody told me about

-Most especially I want to go to the Heights and take reference photos at Glenwoodmont Cemetery. I love all the pretty headstones- want to draw them.

-Lots of other art stuff

- Maybe do something with other people- please?

- Buy a better razor

I feel really happy right now. Therefore, I'm going to go take a nap, wash my hair, and then see what else I can possibly do before my mom gets pissed that I'm not in bed.

Oh, and I think I get to spend the first few days of Thanksgiving vacation in Austin with Elizabeth, and at least 1 night there without my mom. Kick ass.

current mood: high, hopeful, happy, useful

My art teacher scared me today by saying my name really loudly at the beginning of class. Thought she was going to yell at me for my current suck ass picture. Actually, she was just telling me that I made the top 20 finalists in the Culture Shapers drawing contest. Which is pretty damn cool, but only if I make the final cut. They pick 10 winners, who get money, and the other finalists get "honorable mentions". That's probably what I'll get, even if a lot of the other drawings aren't so great.

Draw me a star. 

Mine is the one that says Meredith Mosier under it. A really big head. Hm. It's weird looking at my own work on-line. Too Scary.

But I'm pissed because they fucked up the color on their thing somehow. Like, there are these streaks in the hair that definitely weren't there before, you can't tell that there's a ton of purple in the face and hair, and the mouth region looks like one big preternaturally red gash, but there's really lots of different red and pink shades. Plus the teacher did a really shitty job with the matting (black thing surrounding it, bad outline around the bun). And nobody will understand why there are two little bumps right underneath my mouth. I don't know what they are, but they're there. Other people don't know that.

Rachael Cunningham is in the finalists for painting, but her picture looks screwed up on-line, too. Like, it's all red-ish and not so good. I like it really close up.

Paint me a rainbow.

Oh, and the photography part is good too, even if niemi declined to enter his picture. View the "wonderland" picture close up, "it looks magical".

Capture the moment. 

current mood: more accomplished than you, mf

Happy Halloween. My favorite holiday. No family stuff involved.

This week sucked ass. Kept trying to work on my english essay, but it didn't work out very well, and I ended up working 2 full nights and disregarding all other homework in favor of finishing it on time. My mom read it over the morning it was due and told me "You're going to fail this."

FUCKING THANKS, MOMMY DEAREST.

Not that I disagree, but she doesn't need to tell me that. And in ignoring all of my other homework, I created a hellish situation for myself the rest of the week trying to make it all up in time. Might not have done as well as i could have on my spanish test. Am positively guaranteed to have failed my pre-cal test as I kept falling asleep in class when she was going over it and I didn't finish all of the homework. But I think I did pretty well on the physics test. On the last one, I got a 93, one of 4 As in the entire class (8 Fs). First period only had 1 A. That makes me temporarily superior.

Niemi got pissed at me 3 times this week. I was "bitchy". Which is funny, because I've always been a bitch and I've always been mean, but generally people don't yell "Shut Up" at me every time I try to speak because of it. I'm sure most people just think it. Abusive bastard, quit being so damn sensitive. I hate you.

Sarah Jung told me that I have too much negative energy. Too bad I think the concept of having some sort of aura is stupid.

I wish somebody loved me. Does anybody have a good costume for tonight?

current mood: indifferent